What the Pres, My Grandfather, & Skydiving Have in Common

The answer is…they are all found on this page!

I could use some humor in my life right now. Tonight I found some really funny quotes…I hope they lighten your day too.

You don't say…

  • It is not my fault that I never learned to accept responsibility!
  • I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
  • Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
  • Me a skeptic? Do you have proof?
  • My husband said I never listen to him—at least I think that's what he said.
  • Constipated people don't give a crap.
  • If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  • I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
  • There are three types of people in the world, those who can count and those who can't (I think this is my fav).
  • Procrastinate Now!
  • No sense in being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway!

Isn't that the truth!

  • In America anyone can be president—that's one of the risks you take.
  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • Everyone is normal until you get to know them.
  • If you want to find an easier way to do a task, assign it to a lazy person.
  • If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
  • If you think nobody cares you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
  • Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
  • People usually get what's coming to them—unless it's been mailed.
  • A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
  • Confucius say, "Man who farts in church must sit in own pew."
  • All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
  • There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
  • Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
  • Life is a sexually transmitted, fatal disease.

I couldn't agree more:

  • When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did—in his sleep and not screaming like the other 4 passengers in his car.
  • Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  • He ended the job as he began it: fired with enthusiasm.
  • Remember kids, once you have pulled the pin, Mr. Grenade is no longer your friend.
  • Where there's a will…I want to be in it.
  • EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.

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Posted in categories: Hip Humor | Just for Fun